Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Fri, April 24, 2009 12:37:15
I've just come back after a visit to Blackpool and my partner was very angry with me when I presented her with a stick of Whitley Bay Rock. Let me explain, I promised her I'd bring her back a stick of Blackpool Rock and I forgot. Rather than 'fess up, I called in to 'The Candyman' sweet shop on the way home and bought a stick of local rock (which has 'Whitley Bay' written all the way through it) thinking she wouldn't notice, but of course she did. She stormed off in one of her tempers and her last words were - 'keep your promise, and get me a stick of Blackpool Rock, or I'll never speak to you again!'
I hunted around on the Internet and came across a Church in America that says that anything is possible if you try hard enough, so I emailed them regarding changing the lettering in the middle of my rock.
I was surprised and a little hurt when the Pastor replied to my email reprimanding me for my frivolous and disrespectful request.
Now I would have thought that if this Church can convert Gay men into Heterosexuals, it should be a cinch to sort out my Rock problem.
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Wed, April 22, 2009 11:40:02
A while ago, whilst I was watching the latest terrible punishment of Gaza Palestinians by their Israeli 'neighbours', the resulting scene of devastation struck a chord with me and I found myself wondering why it was all-too-familiar. Then I remembered. A few weeks earlier I had watched 'The Pianist' - a movie depiction of the true story of Wladyslaw Szpilman who survived the rape and destruction of Jewish Warsaw by the Nazis. Near the end of the story, he emerges from hiding and all that can be seen is utter destruction - a metaphor for Hitlers intention of global eradication of Jewry.
It is hard to imagine what it feels like to be an Israeli. It would seem that a large number of their immediate neighbours are bent on their annihilation. Constant rocket attacks create fear and great anxiety for their citizens. A natural reaction is to hit out and make every blow count. Yet it is this very lack of proportionality that not only loses them friends, but makes their enemies more bitter and determined, and radicalises new generations of Palestinian youth to take the place of any the Israelis kill - a little like trying to cut off the head of The Hydra.
How familiar does this sound? Memos regarding torture by America have confirmed what everyone believed, but what has been denied for so long. If the West, and that includes Israel, wants to silence the ravings of Ahmadinejad, then we must give him no excuses to do so - simply walking out of a UN meeting will not do. As it is, a large number of people in the world believe the Iranian president to be correct when he accuses the Israelis of genocide - especially when their actions serve no other useful purpose than confirm this suspicion.
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Sat, April 18, 2009 11:39:03
There was a 20-minute retrospective of the career of Phil Spector on Radio 5 live at 1:40 am today. Dotun Adebayo discussed this very scary man and his enormous acheivements, and played a few of the hits he was responsible for. Anyone who is over 50 will remember the famous 'wall of sound' he produced by cramming as many musicians into the studio as was humanly possible.
I for one loved his slightly over-the-shoulder creations, although these have been criticised as too 'samey' by others.
The facts are easy to see; this man, usually single-handedly, produced some of the most memorable music of the sixties - and wrote quite a lot of the hits as well as producing them.
His 'friends' (he didn't have many) are now saying that his personality implosion has been a long time coming. The great sadness is that he has taken someone else's life in the conclusion of this awful process. The family of the woman murdered by Phil have claimed that he 'must face the consequences of his actions', but what else could they say? The almost unbearable pain of their loss can only be imagined.
Spector was diagnosed as a schizophrenic, but like so many other passionate, creative people, it is more likely that he was a psychotic manic-depressive. As such he has no doubt been chased by demons for almost all of his life. The 'consequences of his actions' will be all-too-clear to him in his saner moments, when the acknowledgement of his guilt will be an all-consuming torture.
At this point if I was a Christian, I would probably be asking everyone to pray for him. As I'm not, I'll just say instead that the next time you hear that very distinctive and timeless sound, remember the huge cost that ultimately has been paid for his almost-unrivalled contribution to popular music.
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Sat, April 04, 2009 18:40:44
What a shower, What a wasted week. There was Gordon huffing and puffing, and very much the Grand Old Duke Of York, at the front of all the other world-class idiots, all prostrating themselves in front of King Obama of America. When all the marching up and down was finished what did they agree? A paltry Trillion Dollars - and much like Gordons' silly gesture politics with the VAT reduction, a derisory sum when compared to the value of the worlds economy, of which there is an estimated 630 Trillion Dollars in derivatives alone. If 2.5% off VAT is ineffectual how does 0.159% injected into the world economy sound? - and as I say that's just in derivatives.
Meanwhile in the streets of London - many innocent visitors were corralled - the common buzz word is 'kettled'- alongside what were mostly a decent bunch of demonstrators, with, of course, the usual suspects - all of which are known by the Police and should have been pounced on - but weren't. The innocents among those thus herded were shouted at, pushed, pulled and assaulted by Police - another example of our Police State.
Oh, to be in England
Now that April's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brush-wood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England -- now!
And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossomed pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops--at the bent spray's edge--
That's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
-- Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Sun, March 08, 2009 17:55:57
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex
therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang
said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now
craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'
(The old'uns are always the best! thankyou Martin!)
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Fri, March 06, 2009 12:53:27
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan; His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(do I hear groaning?)
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Fri, January 16, 2009 20:57:52
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Wed, December 31, 2008 05:22:58
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps and the younger of the two Aliens addressed it:"Greetings, Earthling.We come in peace.Take us to your leader."
The pump didn't respond (of course).The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said: "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently:
"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade: "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish!" replied the younger alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" said the young fried one.
"It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on the younger one's now crispy peeling flesh and shared some knowledge:
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy" said the wise old alien.
"When a guy has a willy he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him!!"
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Wed, December 31, 2008 05:15:47
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.
Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave, you're a vet."
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Wed, December 31, 2008 04:58:20
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out:
"Oh my God!"
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps - could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
"For which we are about to receive, may The Lord make us truly thankful".
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Wed, December 31, 2008 04:40:00
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's".
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and in a hushed tone asks:
"Is that Fannie Green?
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Tue, December 30, 2008 18:37:17
Does he want to be a Frogman?
Is your surname Waterson?
Is your son head of the family?
Does he take after his father?
Did things go rapidly downhill?
Is he interested in people?
Is he a true hunter-gatherer?
Does My Bum look big in this?
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 17:44:14
Sincere Apologies To Everyone.
Over the past few months I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.
From now on I will only send emails with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures such as the picture below of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris.
P.S. For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. "Le Pont Neuf" is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches .
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 17:22:52
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing'."
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 17:13:47
A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.
"The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, thought awhile, and replied: "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 17:07:45
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out - still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 17:00:46
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in I.T.," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my f**king fault."
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 16:52:54
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands. Suddenly a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a woman wearing a Chanel suit, RayBans and a Cartier watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says "OK". The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
She studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." The shepherd replies, "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock." The woman packs away her equipment, looks at the flock, and puts an animal in the boot of her car.
As she is about to leave, the shepherd says, "If I can guess your profession, will you return the animal to me?"
The woman thinks for a moment, and then agrees.
The shepherd says "You're an NHS manager, aren't you?"
"Correct" responds the woman, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple. First you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me what I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - now can I have my dog back?"
Bad BehaviourPosted by El Grande de JB de Forth Mon, December 22, 2008 16:29:01
Boyfriend too much of a high flier?
Insists on wearing his pyamas in bed?
Works too hard?
Likes wearing your clothes?
Rubs you up the wrong way?
Is A Frustrated Astronaut?
Is just plain Bad!